Guest Blog: Wanting a Secure Feeling
Blog written by Beatriz Stanley, LMFT, RYT-200
link: Marriage Counseling in OKC
Author Bio:
Beatriz Stanley, LMFT, RYT-200
Licensed Therapist, Yoga Instructor & Certified Brainspotting Practitioner
Helping you cultivate a relationship where you are seen, heard and desired
You want to feel safe and secure in your relationship. You want to know that things are okay whether your partner is sitting next to you on the couch or they’re five hundred miles away. You put in real effort to keep your relationship strong, to make sure things are okay, and yet there’s still that unsettled feeling.
Sometimes it shows up out of nowhere. It’s intense, hard to shake, and leaves you questioning everything. You might find yourself worrying that the relationship is going to end, that your partner might leave, or that something bad is coming that you won’t be able to control. What makes it even more confusing is that this feeling often shows up at the worst possible times, when things are actually going well. You’re laughing together, enjoying each other, and then suddenly you feel this urgent need for reassurance. You need to know that you’re okay, that they’re okay, that nothing is about to change without you seeing it coming.
Your partner likely does their best to be patient and reassuring. At the same time, you can sense their frustration. You might even feel frustrated with yourself. Why is it that when things are okay, you still feel unsettled? And when things aren’t okay, it almost feels like confirmation. See, I knew it. I knew something was off.
This cycle can be exhausting. The thoughts keep coming, wondering if your partner loves you as much as you need, questioning their level of commitment, scanning for signs that something might be wrong. Even when nothing is happening externally, internally it can feel loud and overwhelming. You don’t want to keep feeling this way. You don’t want to feel like no amount of reassurance fully sticks. Yet the feelings keep returning.
It is completely normal to want to feel secure in your relationship. And you are not alone in struggling to feel that security consistently. If you’re here, you’ve likely already tried to feel more grounded, more certain, more at ease, and yet something still feels off more often than you’d like.
In this blog, we’re going to talk about what might be happening beneath the surface. We’ll explore how anxiety plays a role, how to begin soothing it, and how support from a therapist can help you move toward a more stable, genuine sense of safety in your relationship.
Settling for Faux Safety
There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel secure in your relationship. But sometimes, without realizing it, people settle for something that looks like safety but isn’t quite the real thing. This is what we call faux safety.
What is faux safety?
Faux safety is exactly what it sounds like. A false sense of safety. It mimics real security, but underneath, your nervous system still feels unsettled.
If faux safety is happening for you, you might notice thing like: Things are fine externally. So you tell yourself, “I should feel okay”. But even as you tell yourself that, your body might feel tense, your thoughts might still be racing, and there’s a quiet sense that something isn’t fully resolved.
One way to recognize faux safety is by noticing that internal turmoil is still present, even when things look calm on the outside. For example, you and your partner aren’t arguing. Things feel peaceful. But you both know there’s an important conversation you’ve been avoiding. The lack of conflict isn’t because everything is resolved. It’s because something is being postponed.
So while things appear calm, there’s a part of you waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Now compare that to a more genuine sense of safety. In that same scenario, there is still a hard conversation coming, but you trust that the two of you will approach it with care, respect, and intention. There will still be discomfort, because hard chats are still…HARD, but there’s also confidence in your ability to handle it together.
You can likely feel the difference between these two states. Faux safety often comes with tension, dread, or hyper awareness. True safety, even in the presence of difficulty, feels more grounded. There’s a sense of we’ll be okay, even if this is hard.
Learning to notice how your body responds in these moments can help you begin to tell the difference.
Why you’ve settled for Faux Safety
If true safety feels better, why do so many people end up settling for faux safety?
Part of it is that faux safety looks like safety. In the example above, not arguing logically seems like a good sign. Of course that feels preferable. But underneath, there’s still an awareness that something unresolved remains. So while parts of the situation feel safe, it’s not the full picture.
Another important piece is that this pattern often happens unconsciously. There’s something genuinely comforting about calm, easy moments with your partner. You want more of those moments, and for good reason. They help build connection.
So when things feel light and easy, it makes sense that you would want to hold onto that. You might find yourself thinking, finally, things are good. But underneath, there may also be thoughts like this won’t last, or something is going to mess this up.
This is where faux safety takes hold. You’re not choosing it on purpose. You’re hoping that the calm means what you want it to mean, that everything is truly okay. But because there are unresolved fears, insecurities or anxieties underneath, the sense of safety doesn’t fully land.
It’s not that you’re doing something wrong. It’s that part of you is trying to create safety in the best way it knows how, even if that way doesn’t fully work long term.
The Role Anxiety Plays in All This
Anxiety plays a significant role in this cycle.
You want to feel safe. When you don’t feel safe, your mind and body look for ways to create that safety. The problem is that many of these strategies provide only temporary relief.
A common example is seeking reassurance. You might ask your partner, do you love me, or why do you love me. Your partner responds with care and reassurance, and for a moment, you feel better. There is relief. A sense of calm returns.
But that calm doesn’t last.
What’s happening here is that reassurance is acting like a short term solution, a bandage. And to be clear, there’s nothing inherently wrong with seeking reassurance. It’s human. It’s relational. It can even be healthy.
But when reassurance becomes the primary way you soothe anxiety, it doesn’t address the deeper issue. The anxiety remains underneath, waiting for the next moment to resurface.
This is why the questions often come back. Do you still love me? Would you still love me if…? Are you sure we’re okay?
These questions aren’t random. They are rooted in a fear that safety could be taken away at any moment. Anxiety is trying to protect you by preparing for that possibility. But in doing so, it keeps you stuck in a loop where safety never fully settles.
For couples: This cycle can be exacerbated or come into play after a betrayal in the relationship.
3 Ways to Soothe Anxiety and Actually Feel Safe
Now that we’ve talked about how this cycle works, let’s shift toward what can help. The goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety completely, but to change how you relate to it so that you can move toward a more genuine, lasting sense of safety.
Pro tip. These are starting points, not rigid rules. Take what feels supportive and leave what doesn’t.
1. Acknowledge the anxious, unsafe feeling as real
The first step is simple, but not easy.
Acknowledge that the feeling is there.
Instead of telling yourself, I shouldn’t feel this way, or this doesn’t make sense, try allowing the feeling to exist without judgment. You don’t have to agree with it. You don’t have to like it. But you do have to recognize it.
You might say to yourself, there’s that feeling again, the one that tells me I’m not safe.
This creates a small but important shift. You’re no longer fighting the feeling or pretending it isn’t there. You’re acknowledging it as part of your current experience.
And yes, this can be challenging. Most of us don’t want to sit with feelings that are uncomfortable or distressing. If this feels hard, that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re human.
2. Connect to the truth of that feeling
Once you’ve acknowledged the feeling, the next step is to get curious about it.
Where do you feel it in your body. Is it a tightness in your chest. A pit in your stomach. A sense of restlessness or urgency.
Often, these feelings are familiar. They may not be coming solely from the present moment, but also from past experiences, times when safety felt uncertain or inconsistent.
You might notice patterns, like feeling more anxious when your partner goes out with friends, feeling unsettled when there’s distance or lack of communication, or feeling triggered when things are going well because it feels like something could go wrong.
Curiosity helps you move from reacting to understanding. Instead of immediately trying to fix the feeling, you’re learning about it.
3. Commit to helping it feel true safety
This step is about building a new relationship with your anxiety.
Rather than seeing it as something that’s ruining your relationship, begin to see it as something that needs support. This part of you is trying, imperfectly, to keep you safe.
What it actually needs is reassurance from you, not just your partner.
You might internally respond to the feeling like this. I know you feel unsafe right now. I’m here. We’re going to figure this out together.
This is where true safety starts to grow. Not from eliminating all uncertainty, but from building trust within yourself that you can handle it.
Over time, this helps your nervous system learn a new pattern. Safety isn’t only something your partner provides. It’s something you can help create internally too.
You Don’t Have to Go Through This Alone
Wanting to feel secure in your relationship is deeply human. And struggling to feel that security consistently is more common than you might think.
The good news is that you don’t have to keep settling for a faux sense of safety. With awareness, practice, and support, it is possible to build a more grounded, genuine sense of security, one that doesn’t disappear the moment anxiety shows up.
Working with a therapist can be especially helpful in this process. A therapist can help you understand where these patterns come from, how anxiety is operating in your specific situation, and how to build tools that support long term change, not just temporary relief.
If you’re ready to feel more steady, more secure, and more connected in your relationship, reaching out for support can be a meaningful next step.
You deserve a relationship that feels safe, not just on the surface, but deep down too.
